[ Harold has lost the only people in his life he could speak honestly to, who knew him as a person and not just a shadowy figure, and Inara's frankness hits his usual feigned distance like the cold shock of the winter ocean. It's crisp and bracing, and very much needed to jar him out of his rote habits.
He's not sure he's ready for physical contact, but he might as well try. He hasn't touched anyone in comfort since...
Since he left Grace.
He settles his own hand tentatively, gingerly on hers. ] Point taken, [ he concedes, feeling a lump forming in his throat from suppressed emotion. ] He was my oldest and best friend, and my business partner.
I really... [ Harold breathes out around the intensity of feeling he's containing. ] I don't know what to do without him.
[ It was his fault he'd died, entirely his fault, and Harold is stuck there and can't move past it. ]
( the reciprocation of affection was quite nice, far more comforting than she had been expecting and while on a surface level he was nothing more than a client, she never did view the people she worked with as simply that. there was a reason she was picky about who she invited in, who she worked with, who she shared her energy withβ
so though the touch was simple, it was enough to make her feel like they were starting to connect. she had no promises of curing whatever was truly ailing him but she'd do her best to support him if that's what he sought out. )
It sounds like you are quite lost and confused without him. When you become so close to someone that their presence becomes second nature, it can be difficult to be without them. I'm so very sorry for your loss....truly I mean it.
( inara gently touched his skin, a soft sign of affection before she slipped away and continued with her own cup of tea. a brief moment of affection to tether them, to test the waters.
he's in control of how much he wants to share and indulgeβ it's the one thing inara wants to get across. )
[ How could he be cured? Harold had tried a counselor just once before deciding he couldn't bear it. She'd tried to coach him through survivor's guilt, but been stymied when he asked her how he was meant to move on when it was, in fact, his fault that Nathan had died. Or maybe that was unfair; maybe he was reading his own issue into it, unable to comprehend or see how she could respond in a way that felt legitimate. He hadn't given her a chance, after all.
He hadn't given her a chance and then he'd tried to kill Alicia Corwin in the most shameful way imaginable, and the Machine kept ringing phones, kept reminding him in the only way he'd left available to it to reach out to him that he wasn't totally alone --
In the face of that, Harold can take someone's hand if that's what will prevent it from happening again. His palm veritably prickles at the sensation. He doesn't entertain physical contact much at all and never with someone on first meeting. It's disconcerting, strange. But as she pulls away he's also struck by how warm and soft her skin was against his, how that physical sensation is a bright lodestone against the murky swimming seas of his mind, so easy to get lost in and the contact a landmark against it. ]
Since college. For decades.
[ Even that much is not something Harold tells people, has never told them. Grace didn't know Nathan existed; Nathan learned Grace existed when he proposed, for God's sake. Harold doesn't know how to not protect himself. ]
I'm a very private person, [ he confesses in a soft tone, ] and he knew me in every way that mattered. I depended on him to feel connected to the world. [ Wryly, trying to recover some humor, uncomfortable with his own vulnerability: ] Perceptive of you to call me lost and confused without him.
( as inara remained there seated, she brought a pause to her movements to fully turn her body towards harold and gave him the attention he deserved in this moment. this might have been a paid session but if there was one thing inara had noticed from most of her clients was they weren't just there for the sexual nature of her work;
no most of them sought something they couldn't find elsewhere. a type of comfort that no one else could understand and if they could, it was the kind of pain they couldn't share with people they knew. the familiarity felt too vulnerable, it was easier to turn to a stranger, and it was something inara understood far too well.
as he spoke, she immediately agreed within her mind that he did seem privateβ after all, he'd been quite discreet in contacting her and while she was in no rush to make him do anything beyond what he felt comfortable with, there was a still energy in the room. thankfully he seemed to buoy it with that little quip.
so with a softer expression, she smiled at him and finally lifted her cup of tea. )
It's not a fault by the way, it's okay to feel lost and confused sometimes but I suppose I have a sharp eye.
( she's match his own humor with hers, but she's keeping a level of control here as well. )
Our world is quite large isn't it? Full of unknowns and inconceivable things....that's why I created this space to be like this. I can connect to the world on my own terms and still have somewhere to escape to and recover. Have you considered doing that?
( it could be here with her, continuing these sessions but even if he opted not to, she felt he could benefit from such a thing. a small space for him to escape to. )
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He's not sure he's ready for physical contact, but he might as well try. He hasn't touched anyone in comfort since...
Since he left Grace.
He settles his own hand tentatively, gingerly on hers. ] Point taken, [ he concedes, feeling a lump forming in his throat from suppressed emotion. ] He was my oldest and best friend, and my business partner.
I really... [ Harold breathes out around the intensity of feeling he's containing. ] I don't know what to do without him.
[ It was his fault he'd died, entirely his fault, and Harold is stuck there and can't move past it. ]
no subject
so though the touch was simple, it was enough to make her feel like they were starting to connect. she had no promises of curing whatever was truly ailing him but she'd do her best to support him if that's what he sought out. )
It sounds like you are quite lost and confused without him. When you become so close to someone that their presence becomes second nature, it can be difficult to be without them. I'm so very sorry for your loss....truly I mean it.
( inara gently touched his skin, a soft sign of affection before she slipped away and continued with her own cup of tea. a brief moment of affection to tether them, to test the waters.
he's in control of how much he wants to share and indulgeβ it's the one thing inara wants to get across. )
How long did you know him for if I might ask?
no subject
He hadn't given her a chance and then he'd tried to kill Alicia Corwin in the most shameful way imaginable, and the Machine kept ringing phones, kept reminding him in the only way he'd left available to it to reach out to him that he wasn't totally alone --
In the face of that, Harold can take someone's hand if that's what will prevent it from happening again. His palm veritably prickles at the sensation. He doesn't entertain physical contact much at all and never with someone on first meeting. It's disconcerting, strange. But as she pulls away he's also struck by how warm and soft her skin was against his, how that physical sensation is a bright lodestone against the murky swimming seas of his mind, so easy to get lost in and the contact a landmark against it. ]
Since college. For decades.
[ Even that much is not something Harold tells people, has never told them. Grace didn't know Nathan existed; Nathan learned Grace existed when he proposed, for God's sake. Harold doesn't know how to not protect himself. ]
I'm a very private person, [ he confesses in a soft tone, ] and he knew me in every way that mattered. I depended on him to feel connected to the world. [ Wryly, trying to recover some humor, uncomfortable with his own vulnerability: ] Perceptive of you to call me lost and confused without him.
no subject
no most of them sought something they couldn't find elsewhere. a type of comfort that no one else could understand and if they could, it was the kind of pain they couldn't share with people they knew. the familiarity felt too vulnerable, it was easier to turn to a stranger, and it was something inara understood far too well.
as he spoke, she immediately agreed within her mind that he did seem privateβ after all, he'd been quite discreet in contacting her and while she was in no rush to make him do anything beyond what he felt comfortable with, there was a still energy in the room. thankfully he seemed to buoy it with that little quip.
so with a softer expression, she smiled at him and finally lifted her cup of tea. )
It's not a fault by the way, it's okay to feel lost and confused sometimes but I suppose I have a sharp eye.
( she's match his own humor with hers, but she's keeping a level of control here as well. )
Our world is quite large isn't it? Full of unknowns and inconceivable things....that's why I created this space to be like this. I can connect to the world on my own terms and still have somewhere to escape to and recover. Have you considered doing that?
( it could be here with her, continuing these sessions but even if he opted not to, she felt he could benefit from such a thing. a small space for him to escape to. )